hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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