There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
