i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
