If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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