I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize