he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize