I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
