just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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