dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
