I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
