oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
