I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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