Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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