I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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