I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize