I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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