I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
