i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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