Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
