So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
All I want is dick and wine.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
