we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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