Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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