I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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