I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
