I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
