I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
