Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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