32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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