New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
