This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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