Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
