i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize