sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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