Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
