so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
