I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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