How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
try to milk me bitch
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