I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
