I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you bring me the toilet please
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
