Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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