So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's always time for handjobs
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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