Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
