I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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