I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
