i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
