I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
