sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize