I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
