He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
