This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
