I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
