can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
