I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
