You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I currently don't understand fingers.
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