don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
