My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
