there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
