Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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