I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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