What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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