i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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