Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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