Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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