Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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