if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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