I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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