Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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